We found a house that had no lawn ornaments and decided it was unfair

Apollo and I were driving on the upper middle class side of town round about 2 AM. 

Apollo said, “It dawns on me that there are many more lawn ornaments in this neighborhood than in ours. Look, there’s another one,” he said as we drove past a yard with stone deer in it.

I hadn’t been paying attention. “A lot of yard ornaments, eh?”

“Yard ornaments,” he said. “Jesus, I hate lawn ornaments.”

“Jesus wants you to love lawn ornaments,” I said.

“That settles it, I’m Jewish.”

“I don’t think it works that way,” I said.

“I’m revolting,” he said.

“You’re revolting,” I said.

We found a house that had no lawn ornaments and decided it was unfair that it had none while its neighbors had so many. We spent the next two hours dedicating ourselves to social justice by moving every lawn animal, jockey, bird bath, fake precast turtle, plastic flamingo, stone gnome, and toadstool into the once-vacant lawn. 

The next day I woke just before noon, shook Apollo awake, and drove him back to the house. All the ornaments had been returned to their rightful places, as if the night before had never happened. Sometimes now I still fear that I will wake up and find that the world has rearranged itself behind me as if I had never existed and those things that I loved were of no importance at all.

———

 REVIEWS

“Part action, part thriller, all comedy, The Librarian at the End of the World fires on all cylinders. Fans of Thomas Pynchon and David Foster Wallace will revel in the ridiculousness that is Miller’s America.”

“A constantly surprising picaresque journey through cultural darkness”

“A most unique rollicking story that careens from the almost familiar instantly into a world of what is happening here?

“Not so much a novel as a perpetual- motion machine: part road-show, part parable, careening between surrealism and comedy”

“Laugh out loud rambling tale of the future/present”

“Prepare to be blown away”

“On the cutting edge of audacious literature”

“Takes madcap to a new level, blending Preston Sturges and Philip Dick”

“Outrageous and thought-provoking”

“Just blown away.”

“Fantastic and bizarre”

“Lovecraft turns Beatnik and drops acid”

“One of the absolutely most freakishly odd books I have ever read”

“It’s like E. L. James, Larry Flynt, and Hunter Thompson somehow merged their DNA”

“Even Carrie Fisher (yes, her vagina is in here) isn’t safe from this menace!”

“If you are looking for a completely unique book, this one is hot!”

“Funny and intelligent”

“Filled with hedonism, erotica and hilarity.”

“Only for strong and fearless readers.”

 “Wild, trippy, fun, and sometimes profound”

“I found myself engaged, disconnected and overwhelmed all at the same time”

 “No one would ever expect this”

“Imagine a world where Thin Man was co-written by Tim Leary and Douglas Adams and set in the Office staffed by assassins”

“Brilliant, raunchy, hilarious, heartfelt, and by the end, breathtaking”

 “Social satire at its best”

“In the end, this romp becomes something else. It becomes a work of art, moving and funny and memorable.”

Editor’s note:  Technically it is her vulva, not her vagina.

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