That night in my motel room I surf the web and read the fallout of the cheese theft. I am a wanted man. The denizens of celebritycheesehunters.com do not take cheese theft lightly. A sizable bounty has been put out for information leading to the death or dismemberment of whoever stole half the cheese. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that much, and the cheese guy is scamming someone, plus don’t think they will be able to trace it back to me, even if mine was the winning bid. But the internet is filled with plenty of savvy weirdos with nothing better to do than fuck with people like me.
I browse to the underground sports cam show to see what I can find about the publicity events for the ISBL Tour scheduled to start later this month.
“Welcome to XSports.Net. I’m Grady Reeves with my trusty sidekick Bill Mitchell.”
“Did you say trusty or rusty? Ha ha.”
“Ha ha,” laughs Grady. “Today we also have with us a special guest in the announcer’s booth, former Chicago Bears quarterback, Jim Winthrop, who won a playoff game. Divisional playoffs against the Seahawks? Is that right?”
Jim, Winthrop looks dead ahead. “Yep. A playoff game. Happiest day of my life.”
“That’s great,” says Grady. “Just great. We’re all excited to be here to see the rebirth of a once-great sport, speedbathing. So it’s fitting we have a sports celebrity in our midst. Bill, what do you think we will see out there today?”
“It’s exciting,” says Bill.
“That’s right, a new format and an old rivalry promise to kick things off in grand style. Jim?”
“Yeah,” says Jim.
“So the rules are that competitors must find the cleanest washcloth at the sink, wash out the mildew funk, and then, like in the old sport, clean the important bits.”
“Can’t have mildew funk,” says Jim.
“No siree, Bob!” says Grady.
“This is going to be exciting,” says Bill.
“You bet, Bill. Those familiar with the sport will recognize this at once as a rematch of a classic battle, the 92 Munich Championship, when Yves Duthe of France bested Vladmir “Gregor” Gregorovich of the former Soviet Union by almost a full half-second.”
“I’ve been waiting for this rematch with bated breath,” says Jim
“I have to tell you, Grady, these two athletes still look in top form. You wouldn’t guess it had been over 20 years since they squared off. And I tell you, after watching both of them warm up, I favor Gregor. The new rules allowing use of loofahs might swing things in his favor. I talked to him earlier, and he said he had always used loofahs, and that when he competed professionally the first time, the fact that he could only use a washcloth or his hand had been an impediment.”
“Either way, this will be a heck of a battle. Oh, looks like we are ready to begin. The two of them are stretching out. They are wearing the traditional bathrobes as they walk up to their respective sinks. Interesting to note that they have both chosen to have the sink and respective cleaning implements placed on their right sides. The water is running, the bathrobes are off, and THERE THEY GO!”
“Woah look at them! They’re smelling the washcloths— Gregor, Yves— Now both have chosen. Onto the soap. Woah, look at him move that loofah! Gregor in the lead leaving the face. Yves trailing, catches up at the pits, as we expected—onto the nethers. Front, back. Here come the cleaning implements. They are flying! Gregorovich by a nose, Gregorovich by a nose! He’s up the back! He’s up the back! Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like he may have avenged the Munich loss!”
“Hold on, Grady. We have to wait and see what the judges say after they smell the washcloths. Which one of them is truly cleaner? Seconds can be deducted based on cleanliness or double faults.”
“I’m looking at the referees, and there doesn’t appear to be a fault. Say, where’s Jim?”
“Winthrop. Where did he go?”
“Oh Good Lord, he’s on the field! He’s dropped his clothes! What on—“
“He’s trying to compete! He’s whorebathing—speedbathing. Whatever! He’s splashing in the sink!”
“Security can’t let this go on. Okay, here they come. Thank God! They have it all under control.”
“Waiting on the judges’ analysis. Holy smokes! It IS Gregorovich. That loofah really paid off!”
I lean back and think how much more credibility the league would have with UV spectroscopes. Then I call up the Home Shopping Network and arrange to have a package delivered to Uzbekistan.
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Editor’s note: Technically it is her vulva, not her vagina.