I believe I hear police sirens. I strain. Yes. Unmistakable. We need to leave.

When Katie walks in the door I recognize her at once. She maintains her sporty looks and pixie haircut. I relish watching her as she is unaware of me, looking from sombrero to sombrero wondering which I am under. But I am not wearing a sombrero, just in case they sent an agent. She is tentative, expectant, radiant. I smile as her eyes meet mine and nod to the door to suggest that we leave. 

In the car we kiss with abandon, and I am overcome with strong emotions. She pauses and pointing to my cheese cooler says, “What is this in the floor well?”

“It is a cooler filled with cheese made from bacteria stolen from Helena Bonham Carter and Brooke Shields.”

She laughs, “You were always so funny.”

“We can put it in the back seat,” I say. 

She puts it in the seat behind me and says, “OK, more room now. Where were we?”

I believe I hear police sirens. I strain. Yes. Unmistakable.

“We need to leave,” I say.

“Yes, let’s go somewhere private,” she says.

I slam the accelerator and peel out of the parking lot. I scream down the road as five police cruisers pass me on the way to the Bonsai Burrito. Once we are safe, I pull over and open my laptop.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

“I do not appreciate this intrusion,” I say. “Give me a second.” 

To register my displeasure for having our makeout session in the car interrupted, I sign Sal Laguidachek up for three Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mailing lists. Then I log into his email and write them an impassioned plea to come visit me at my home. No matter how many times I

 slam the door in your faces, keep at it! The devil has a hold on me, and I need you to help me break free and learn about when Jesus came to America.

———

 REVIEWS

“Part action, part thriller, all comedy, The Librarian at the End of the World fires on all cylinders. Fans of Thomas Pynchon and David Foster Wallace will revel in the ridiculousness that is Miller’s America.”

“A constantly surprising picaresque journey through cultural darkness”

“A most unique rollicking story that careens from the almost familiar instantly into a world of what is happening here?

“Not so much a novel as a perpetual- motion machine: part road-show, part parable, careening between surrealism and comedy”

“Laugh out loud rambling tale of the future/present”

“Prepare to be blown away”

“On the cutting edge of audacious literature”

“Takes madcap to a new level, blending Preston Sturges and Philip Dick”

“Outrageous and thought-provoking”

“Just blown away.”

“Fantastic and bizarre”

“Lovecraft turns Beatnik and drops acid”

“One of the absolutely most freakishly odd books I have ever read”

“It’s like E. L. James, Larry Flynt, and Hunter Thompson somehow merged their DNA”

“Even Carrie Fisher (yes, her vagina is in here) isn’t safe from this menace!”

“If you are looking for a completely unique book, this one is hot!”

“Funny and intelligent”

“Filled with hedonism, erotica and hilarity.”

“Only for strong and fearless readers.”

 “Wild, trippy, fun, and sometimes profound”

“I found myself engaged, disconnected and overwhelmed all at the same time”

 “No one would ever expect this”

“Imagine a world where Thin Man was co-written by Tim Leary and Douglas Adams and set in the Office staffed by assassins”

“Brilliant, raunchy, hilarious, heartfelt, and by the end, breathtaking”

 “Social satire at its best”

“In the end, this romp becomes something else. It becomes a work of art, moving and funny and memorable.”

Editor’s note:  Technically it is her vulva, not her vagina.

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