Try to get close to Brooke Shields’ bacteria and see how far you get

Strangely, the buyer insists on buying in person, in Hammond, so he returns to his parents’ home, eager to tell them that their financial worries are over, and once he makes the sale, he intends to move back to LA, resume work at the spa and make his next cheese, Zellweger Appenzeller. His life is feeling exceptionally sweet, and his mania leads him to wonder if he shouldn’t also make some cheeses for the ladies: a Gosling goat cheese, or for the older set, a robust Tom Selleck cheddar. He figures that getting into their dungarees will be much easier than what he’s had to go through so far. You just try to get close to Brooke Shields’ bacteria. She’s got crazy security.

When he returns home, he finds his room in the basement to be unchanged. He removes the carefully wrapped cheese from the shoulder cooler that was his carry-on, places it in the downstairs refrigerator with all the beers, and decides to go get a burger then take a nap before the exchange scheduled that evening at 6:30PM. He slips out the back door, cuts through the carport and strolls through the neighborhood to a local McDougal’s to have a Fourth Pounder with extra cheese, half for the irony of it. It feels so good to stretch his legs after the long flight and cab ride home, that he fails to notice the car parked at the end of his street, with the man hunched down in the driver’s seat. 

I slip in the basement, find his refrigerator, and slice off a really thick slab of Lagoon with a View Bleu, though hopefully not enough for it to be missed, unless he already weighed the block of cheese, which I’m sure he has. Do I feel bad? Luring him back to his house with promises of a great fortune in exchange for his special cheese? Not at all. I am stronger, smarter, and more resourceful than my peers and auction competitors. I deserve to be rewarded, and if Ayn Rand were still alive we would have had the hottest sex two rapacious narcissists with delusions of grandeur could have. The universe owes me everything, and I owe it nothing in return. Besides which, if I am going to completely satisfy six Amazonian strap-on fem doms, I am fucking aye right gonna keep all the money. Besides, from what I can tell, I’m not making a dime in residuals.

Now I am off to set my grand plan into motion. 



“Part action, part thriller, all comedy, The Librarian at the End of the World fires on all cylinders. Fans of Thomas Pynchon and David Foster Wallace will revel in the ridiculousness that is Miller’s America.”

“A constantly surprising picaresque journey through cultural darkness”

“A most unique rollicking story that careens from the almost familiar instantly into a world of what is happening here?

“Not so much a novel as a perpetual- motion machine: part road-show, part parable, careening between surrealism and comedy”

“Laugh out loud rambling tale of the future/present”

“Prepare to be blown away”

“On the cutting edge of audacious literature”

“Takes madcap to a new level, blending Preston Sturges and Philip Dick”

“Outrageous and thought-provoking”

“Just blown away.”

“Fantastic and bizarre”

“Lovecraft turns Beatnik and drops acid”

“One of the absolutely most freakishly odd books I have ever read”

“It’s like E. L. James, Larry Flynt, and Hunter Thompson somehow merged their DNA”

“Even Carrie Fisher (yes, her vagina is in here) isn’t safe from this menace!”

“If you are looking for a completely unique book, this one is hot!”

“Funny and intelligent”

“Filled with hedonism, erotica and hilarity.”

“Only for strong and fearless readers.”

 “Wild, trippy, fun, and sometimes profound”

“I found myself engaged, disconnected and overwhelmed all at the same time”

 “No one would ever expect this”

“Imagine a world where Thin Man was co-written by Tim Leary and Douglas Adams and set in the Office staffed by assassins”

“Brilliant, raunchy, hilarious, heartfelt, and by the end, breathtaking”

 “Social satire at its best”

“In the end, this romp becomes something else. It becomes a work of art, moving and funny and memorable.”

Editor’s note:  Technically it is her vulva, not her vagina.

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