I drop Colletta off at a local massage parlor and set her up with a four-hour treatment involving waxing, exfoliation, oils, aromatherapy, steam room, chill room, ancient teas and herbs, soothing music, six-hand massage and happy ending, then I drive to the convention center. I leave the car half a mile away in case I get arrested again. You never want the cops to have easy access to your car after an arrest. Not only have new laws made warrants obsolete, an impound fee adds insult to injury.
I have a Rural Hegemony insurance license under the name of Yevgen Butterworth, and though the name is unbelievable, I can sell life, home, and crop insurance. My mother came to America from Irkutsk in the 70s, affianced to my father, one Peter Butterworth, who had been contracted out by the US navy to study their hydroelectric power system. After that, my alias becomes murky, and I tell people that I was raised by test tubes in the wild. Honestly, the slightest inspection of my driver’s license and social security card would turn up unanswerable questions, so I am amazed that I have been getting into insurance conferences worldwide for three years now. I know of another insurance secret agent, real name unknown, but convincingly documented as Alvin Merrick, who claims that the best way is to stumble upon a dead insurance agent who is about your age, then collect his birth certificate, and assume his identity. But if you’re a guy like me, you can’t wait around for an insurance agent to drop dead right in front of you. It leaves too much to chance. Guys like me have to make their own luck.
“Part action, part thriller, all comedy, The Librarian at the End of the World fires on all cylinders. Fans of Thomas Pynchon and David Foster Wallace will revel in the ridiculousness that is Miller’s America.”
“A constantly surprising picaresque journey through cultural darkness”
“A most unique rollicking story that careens from the almost familiar instantly into a world of what is happening here?
“Not so much a novel as a perpetual- motion machine: part road-show, part parable, careening between surrealism and comedy”
“Laugh out loud rambling tale of the future/present”
“Prepare to be blown away”
“On the cutting edge of audacious literature”
“Takes madcap to a new level, blending Preston Sturges and Philip Dick”
“Outrageous and thought-provoking”
“Just blown away.”
“Fantastic and bizarre”
“Lovecraft turns Beatnik and drops acid”
“One of the absolutely most freakishly odd books I have ever read”
“It’s like E. L. James, Larry Flynt, and Hunter Thompson somehow merged their DNA”
“Even Carrie Fisher (yes, her vagina is in here) isn’t safe from this menace!”
“If you are looking for a completely unique book, this one is hot!”
“Funny and intelligent”
“Filled with hedonism, erotica and hilarity.”
“Only for strong and fearless readers.”
“Wild, trippy, fun, and sometimes profound”
“I found myself engaged, disconnected and overwhelmed all at the same time”
“No one would ever expect this”
“Imagine a world where Thin Man was co-written by Tim Leary and Douglas Adams and set in the Office staffed by assassins”
“Brilliant, raunchy, hilarious, heartfelt, and by the end, breathtaking”
“Social satire at its best”
“In the end, this romp becomes something else. It becomes a work of art, moving and funny and memorable.”
Editor’s note: Technically it is her vulva, not her vagina.